Rock

Its been an absolutely tumultous week. I am still reeling and dealing with certain very sad events that happened in my life recently so my mood's persistently had a tinge of funk.

Stress at work's constant but recently increased AGAIN thanks to some XXXXX from upstairs that's actually of lower rank, family's recovering as well so there's definitely stress and subconciously/conciously that stress has been passed to J maybe due to my hot temper. J finally lost it.

So as it stands three main sources of stress. I really think the word stress should never have been invented...

If only I could hide somewhere and let the tears fall freely. I've always prided myself on being sensitive but my tears don't fall freely. I may be the weakest link in my family but its a tough family so much as I have that thought, the tears won't come. I have been trained too well to let them fall. So I'll hold it inside and act tough like I always do. Somehow I'll get through it alone.... I always do. I am a rock and how many rocks have you seen cry? :>

Insight

I had a very beautiful insight to myself recently. I realize I have many acquaintances but very few friends. I now realize I made it that way myself.
I don't open myself to others that often or that easily. I am afraid of getting hurt. When you lay yourself bare, you are opening yourself up for hurt and sorrow.
What I now realize also is that if you don't you'll never be able to forge a true
relationship so I think maybe I'll start changing a little of myself. One baby step at a time... :> Maybe...

Thanks to all my dear friends whether we meet often or not you're all important to
me!

Naive...

Yesterday... walking around buying food, looking at vcds while waiting for food... the pain started to permeate again. I didn't shed tears this time but the heavy feeling was inescapable. Its okay though.. the sadness shouldn't disappear so
quickly. I think we are all stable now or at least most of the time.

Next Days

In the past two days thanks to each we managed to laugh and smile... Hope we can all stay strong in the next few trying days. We can survive..

I miss you....

Sea

Right now there are like a million emotions flowing through me, seeking an escape route but finding none.. Many of these thoughts are conflicting...I cannot imagine what my Mum, aunts and cousin are feeling right now...

I regret... I regret not being there so many times that I could... I am also thankful.. thankful that I had the chance to meet my wonderful uncle and that he took the time to take care of me and shower me with love especially when I was young. Like many others, I truly believe he is in a better place, one more befitting him than this often cold world... I just hope some day...

Both men... a world of difference though

I never did think I was mentally strong but I always believed that real men don't easily cry so I seldom did.

Yesterday.. for the first time that I remember tears fell from my eyes. Today I cried even more but I don't feel ashamed. Not at all